When Your Heart Is Shattered Into Little Pieces Yet You Still Love Him

loveisdeserved1By Tara Umm Omar
8 November 2015

You are a young non-Saudi woman who is attending university in your native country. One day, you catch the eye of a dashing Saudi class mate and you hold his gaze. For all he knows, you just might be admiring his long eyelashes but to him the eye contact signals that you are interested in him. Because…ego. So he builds up confidence to start talking to you after class or maybe a pick up line comes easy to him as he has done this before. You exchange contact details and go out on that first date. As a non-Muslim, you don’t know that it is not allowed in Islam for a man and woman to have a relationship outside of marriage.

He tells you that he is from Saudi Arabia. He may or may not tell you that he is a Muslim. If the relationship becomes more serious, he will probably start to tell you a few details about his family. Or he will only divulge the identities of certain family members who don’t mind that he has a girlfriend. Usually NOT the parents or other conservative relatives. You begin to become uncomfortable at being kept a secret. Why is he hiding you? You introduced him to your family as soon as it was socially acceptable. Why can’t he reciprocate if you mean something to him. Or do you? That is when the arguments start but you brush the uncertainty aside because you are falling head over heels in love with him. Because he is a sweet talker and treats you like a queen. And because he is exotic and exciting, unlike your fellow countrymen. Because, because, because. You think of a reason to continue the relationship despite your misgivings.

You plan plans together as one year turns into another year. You discuss marriage and go ring shopping. You talk about babies, even picking out the names. At no point does he explain to you that before all of this can turn into a reality, he must get the marriage permit from his government. But seeing as how he is a student studying abroad on a government scholarship, he had previously signed a contract that he would not get married to a non-Saudi. He neglects to inform you of this, thinking that he will marry you after he graduates. Or he conveniently forgets to mention this fact because his intention after finishing school is to bounce.

One circumstance that eclipses the marriage permit, is his family’s acceptance of you. It could be the case that you will find it out after perhaps four years of studying and investing your time and emotions in this man. Are they going to welcome you with open arms or will they reject you? He confesses to you that everyone ganged up against him and is adamant that he not marry a non-Saudi. You don’t realize the extent to which family and his tribe are everything to him and he is loathe to go against their wishes. So he buckles under their pressure and agrees to marry a Saudi woman. The day he tells you, is the day your world collapses around you and it feels like you have been stabbed in the back. Or he may not have had the consideration to tell you at all and just left. Double wound.

As he packs his suitcase, you aren’t too proud to beg him to stay. You track him down in Saudi Arabia and cajole him to come back. You will do anything for him if he would only marry you. Out of desperation, you offer yourself as a second wife. You promise to revert to Islam if that is what it takes. You keep hope alive but as time goes on, your pleas fall on deaf ears or they never reach him. And you hate yourself because you still love him in spite of how much he hurt you.

You search for answers which lead to FHWS and other blogs like this. It begins to dawn on you, the overwhelming information that you were clueless about. That your Saudi withheld or twisted the truth about to protect himself. You read the posts and find out that you aren’t the only one in this situation. That this is what some Saudis are known to do, they enter haram relationships with non-Saudi women and then when it comes time to get married, their family objects to their choice. You realize that they don’t want to fight their family so they give up easily and marry a Saudi. Or you start to wonder that maybe your Saudi is a casanova who just wanted a fling and then to settle down with a “pure” woman. As if he is!

Regardless, whether this Saudi loves you or not, apparently he doesn’t love you enough to fight for you. And if he doesn’t fight for you, why does he deserve your love when he just broke your heart?



Published by

Tara Umm Omar

American married to a Saudi.

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